London Town!

I've been on a blogging hiatus from this blog because of finals and traveling preparations, and I won't get back to business here until I return from London, but never fear! You can follow my travels at bigadventureswithbigben.tumblr.com. Yeeeee!!

Just Be Yourself??

This one was supposed to be a vulnerability narrative. Needless to say, it's easier to write about someone else's vulnerabilities than your own. This one is loosely based on a real story. It was a little rushed so it's a bit shorter than the others. Take it for what it's worth.

Every child is told to “just be yourself” at least once while growing up. It’s inevitable. Parents promote being unique and standing out, hoping their child’s individuality will play a role in his or her becoming the next Oscar winning actor or Nobel Prize winning scientist. Paul was no exception. He had heard it many times throughout childhood, and Paul wanted nothing more than to be himself. But society doesn’t actually want you to be yourself. Society does not want you to stand out. It does not want you to be different than those around you. No, being unique while growing up isn’t going to win you any awards, and Paul knew this.

Paul didn’t realize it at first, and even down the road when he did he refused to accept it. It was easier for Paul to grow up as the paradigm of a young man, trying to play sports and chase girls, than it was for him to “just be himself.” He was never very good at sports though, constantly losing focus, off in his own world, until the coach’s booming voice cut through his thoughts and brought him back to reality. His “teammates” never missed an opportunity to make fun of him for his lack of athletic ability either, regularly calling him a “fag” or “pussy” when he messed up on a play. Paul wasn’t an athlete, but every year he came out for the team, hoping that this season was going to be better than the last.

With girls it was different. Paul never had a hard time talking to girls. Quite the contrary, he felt much more comfortable when surrounded by a group of young ladies than when he was with a group of guys. It was a mutual feeling, too. Girls knew they could talk to him and he would genuinely understand and be there for them. Paul was well liked, loved even, by almost every girl that he met, but never in that way. Despite his best efforts while growing up, Paul was always a friend, never a flame.

It wasn’t until years after Paul and Matt met that Paul would finally come out of his shell and be himself. When he did, Matt wasn’t surprised. No one really was. As soon as Matt met Paul he knew. But when Paul talked to his parents about it, the same parents that told him to “just be yourself” as a young boy, all they responded with was, “It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it.”

Philosophy of...

Another narrative. Take a gander. I think it's important for me to point out that these are all based on true stories from my life. That is to say, based on true stories the same way some movies are made based on books that have come before them. They are, for the most part, accurate, with a little bit added for dramatic effect, but never quite as good as the original story. I hope you enjoy.

There is an ongoing debate between which has a greater impact on a person, nature or nurture. Are people born genetically coded to act the way they do? To think the way they do? Or are a person’s characteristics based on a culmination of his reactions to experiences that have taken place in his life? More specifically, are Matt’s thoughts, his ideals, a product of the interpretation of his past experiences, or was he predestined to, for lack of a better way to phrase it, be Matt? He doesn’t know, nor does he really worry about it, but when it comes to relationships, anyone who knows Matt can tell you that nurture, not nature, has shaped his views on the subject.

Relationships are futile. A broad statement, but one that Matt has spent a long time pondering over and very firmly agrees with. No, he wasn’t raised in a broken home, quite the contrary. Yes his parents would bicker, his sister would cry, and he would sit in his room and fume about his their rules, but his parents, his model for relationships as a child, never waivered in their love for one another. The nurture from his family isn’t what has shaped his views on relationships; it was experiences outside of his house.

“Alyssa why are you so upset?” Matt asked as they made their way down Tatum Boulevard. The tension in the car was so rank, so strong, that he could almost taste it. Ever since Michelle had walked in the door to Paul’s the night before Alyssa hadn’t been acting the same.

“Nothing Matt, don’t worry about it.” She kept her eyes on the road, but her focus was on other things.

“Why does me being with Michelle bug you so much? That’s it, isn’t it? We were having a great night with Paul from the point when you two picked me up at the airport all the way until Michelle showed up at his house. I only get to see her when I fly out here and I don’t really appreciate how you’re letting it affect our friendship. I really care about her.”

" Matt it’s not you being with her. Really, just let it go.”

“That’s all you have to say? Fine.” Matt sat there, furious that his night was ruined because one of his best friends couldn’t swallow the fact that he had feelings for Michelle and as far as he could tell she felt the same way. It wasn’t until they were almost to Alyssa’s house that either of them spoke again.

“Matt…”

“What?” he snapped.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Yea whatever,” he didn’t want to hear it.

“You have to believe me, I’m looking out for you.”

“I would have believed that before Alyssa, but I’m not sure you actually care anymore,” with that statement, Matt crossed a line. As the last word left his lips Alyssa snapped.

“Matt she’s seeing another guy. She’s dating someone else. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you but fuck you for saying I don’t care,” a tear made its way down her cheek as she spoke, no, not as she spoke, as she yelled, and it hit Matt. Alyssa wasn’t being jealous and she wasn’t being selfish, she was being his friend. His judgment was clouded by his feelings for Michelle, unwarranted feelings, feelings she didn’t deserve. He was so mixed up he was willing to jeopardize one of his dearest friendships for something that didn’t even exist.

Maybe Matt would have more faith in relationships if this were an isolated incident. Maybe, if this were the first and only time he got that feeling in the pit of his stomach, that knot that works its way into your core so deeply that you don’t think it will ever leave, he would be more optimistic about the subject. Or maybe, if he hadn’t had so many girls cry on shoulder, if he hadn’t seen so many of his brothers hit rock bottom, he’d still see the value in being so vulnerable and so open to one person. So many maybes, so many experiences, and now so much dissent. Matt, once so focused on finding that person, now has a much simpler goal in life: a house on the beach with a dog.

"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in your hearts forever... even if you are long gone in theirs."

There's Music In The Air

Another narrative for my english class. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. It's a little more sentimental this time, from back when things were simpler and the real world was light-years away. Hope you enjoy my "one time at band camp" story.

“Bull shit.”

“Take it.” Bill grudgingly reaches for the pile of cards, flipping over the two Jacks on top just to make sure Matt isn’t lying.

“One Queen,” Bill says bitterly, now holding almost half of the deck in his hands. A light breeze passes through the redwoods carrying the faint sounds of a string quartet practicing just a few cabins over. Matt and his cabin mates are unaware of this though. At their cabin the whisper of “Pachelbel’s Cannon” is drowned out by the lyrics of Eminem echoing from the boom-box in the corner.

“So I was talking to Kelsey after rehearsal today.” Matt feels his face go flush. He knows exactly where this conversation is going. Intently he studies his cards, attempting to imitate the poker faces he has seen on the television when he watches Texas Hold’em tournaments with his dad. “What happened last night man? She said she couldn’t find you anywhere….”

“I was there for a while, but I was kind of burnt out from the concerts so I decided to leave early,” Matt lies, avoiding eye contact.

“She likes you man, do you like her?” All of the guys in the cabin, even those not playing cards, were now intently listening in on the conversation. Nothing peaked the interest of these young boys more than the potential love connection at camp. Matt remains silent, but it’ll take more than that to fend of the inquiring gazes.

“Well she said she wants to hang out with you during free time tonight after dinner, something about a nature walk.” Matt abandons his attempt at staying calm and collected and immediately looks at Bill, evaluating his face to determine if he’s telling the truth or just trying to instigate the situation. Unfortunately for Matt, Bill’s poker face is much better than his. Unable to discern whether or not he should believe Bill, the chance for further investigation is abruptly stripped from Matt as the sound of the dinner chime echoes through the forest. It won’t be until later, when Matt and Kelsey are stealing glances at each other from across the cafeteria, that he will fully believe that Bill was telling the truth.

~ ~ ~

His stomach flips. Should he reach for her hand? Suave he is not, but what Matt lacks in experience he makes up for in sincerity. Too young to have any ulterior motives, or even to know what an ulterior motive is, all that drives him is the feeling that he gets when he looks at her. As he lies there in the dried up river bed, his heart and mind both race, as if they are in a competition to reach some unseen finish line. His eyes survey the sky looking for any glimpse or sparkle that could possibly be a star. The sun had set just minutes ago, and the warmth that had been covering him like a blanket was slowly being replaced by the crisp kiss of the rising moon. While seemingly focused on the task at hand, all he could really think about at the moment was….

“There!” she exclaims, vigorously pointing towards the sky, exhilarated that she had beaten him in seeing the first star of the night. Matt looks in the direction that she is indicating and smiles. Should he tell her that her “first star of the night” is actually Venus? No, even as a twelve year old Matt knows that telling a girl she is wrong generally doesn’t turn very out well. Deciding to let it pass he plays it off, feigning disappointment.

“Alright you win, you win. What do you want?” He didn’t dare look at her, worried that the hope in his eyes might give him away.

“Oh, I don’t know, I’ll figure it out later,” said Kelsey, not giving the slightest hint as to what was going on in her mind. What next? Is he being to forward or is he being a wimp? He knows it’s getting late, but he is too nervous to move. Can she read him like a book or is she as confused as him? Did she just giggle or was it his imagination? Her hand, only inches from his, might as well be miles away.

Matt makes his decision. He decides to count to three then make his move. Matt takes a deep breath. One. He steals a glance at her. Even in the moonlight her beauty is radiating. Two. This is it. This is the moment he has been anticipating since they arrived at Cazadero just over a week ago. Thr…. Kelsey leans over and kisses Matt square on the lips.

“That’ll be my prize for winning,” she giggles. Matt can’t even speak. All he can do is lay there and smile. He reaches for her hand, finally intertwining his fingers with hers. After a few more minutes of just taking in the beautiful sounds of the forest around them, they get up and walk back towards the cabins and the noise of their fellow campers. Matt, still smiling from ear to ear, holds tightly to her hand. He is already anticipating how different the conversation is going to be next time he sits down with his cabin mates to play cards.

Just Another Day In The Life

I had to write a childhood narrative for my English class. Considering I'm a science kid, I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. Check it.

Somewhere in the White Mountains of Arizona, in a hot and stuffy cabin by the edge of Hawley Lake, the outline of Matthew L. Bernhardt can barely be discerned in the darkness as he sits, silently, on the floor of the common room. Despite the seventy other faces softly illuminated by the candles at the center of the room, Matthew is only aware of the two papers folded neatly in half and placed on the tile in front of him. Not even the subtle fragrance of the candles or the persistent howling of the wind outside resonates with him. He simply sits; staring at the floor with such concentration, such intensity, that an outsider looking on might think he is trying to etch something into the tile with his gaze. This is the end of the line – a long and passionate line – for Matthew and twelve of his peers.

“Whenever you are ready, please enter the circle and we will begin.”

Amazingly it got quieter than it had been before this statement, as if the words themselves sucked a little bit of the life out of the room and through the window where it was lost in the darkness. Despite his current disposition, Matthew couldn’t help but snicker to himself at the request. So if he refused to ever be “ready” did that mean he never had to slide across the dust covered cabin floor towards the middle of the room? If he were to choose so, did it mean that he wouldn’t have to say goodbye to his closest friends and the organization that had shaped his life for the past six years? No, unfortunately, it didn’t mean either of these things. With each passing second Matthew came closer to exiting. It was a moment he knew was looming in the future ever since he became a Peer Leader, but it was a moment he never accepted he would actually have to confront.

Even though the ceremony was nothing new to him, the experience he was going to have this time around would be. He had sat through it three times prior, but never as an exiter. This time was going to be different. This time was going to be special. This time the focus was on him. No longer an observer, Matthew was now a part of the main event. All of the weekend’s festivities culminating here and now, in the hopes that Matthew and his twelve fellow fourth-years will impart some sort of wisdom upon those lucky enough to still just be witnesses.

As he raises his gaze from the floor to survey the room his mind starts to race. He finds he is feeling slightly peeved at his current situation. He’s angry. “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LEAVE!” echoes… in his head. But yes, yes they can. He knows that it was time to let go, but he isn’t ready to admit it. His anger is rapidly replaced with a much lonelier feeling, fear. His eyes dart from face to face, hoping for some look of reassurance, some sign that there isn’t any justification for the feeling in the pit of his stomach. All he needs is for someone to return his gaze so that he can take a second to compose himself.

"Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact!” someone had written on the back of the board. Someone always wrote it on the back of the board.
“Original,” says Jameson as he stands in the Peer Leader zone studying the comments. Nothing annoys him more than pointless or redundant comments on the board.
"At least that’s our biggest problem this week,” Matthew says, reaching up to wipe the eye contact comment off of the board. “If things were going any smoother with these participants I’d be worried we were missing something.”
“Well anything is going to seem smooth compared to the kids that participated in week two.”
“True, true, but I think they’re just at that age during week two – old enough to have all the issues associated with growing up but still too young to deal with any of them,” but that’s what Jameson, Matthew, and each of their fellow Peer Leaders are there for. Their organization is not unlike an oasis in a desert. This is not just because it takes place in an air-conditioned room in Arizona during the summer, but also because it provides a much needed safe haven for Scottsdale’s youth. Where else do teens have where they can talk about their feelings? Where else can teens go in this day and age to talk about the issues facing them as they grow and develop? Matthew didn’t know of any. After all, he did sacrificed comfortable summers in San Francisco each year to be a part of this group, despite the scorching heat of the Arizona summer. This group is special. Katie pushes past the boys to fill the newly vacant space on the board with, “We need more eye contact!” Jameson has to walk away.

Matthew’s attention returns to the papers patiently lying on the floor in front of him. Slowly and quietly he reaches down to pick them up. He doesn’t unfold them. He doesn’t look at them. He doesn’t need to. All that is written on them is chicken scratch. A feeble attempt to organize what he wants to say to the people that have meant so much to him. He lets out a sigh, folding the papers one more time before sliding them into his pocket. In a last fleeting moment of optimism Matthew hopes no one will make the move. If they stand together and no one breaks maybe they can all just stay. Then, as if on cue, Nathan starts to make his way towards the candles. So much for being optimistic. It’s time to say goodbye, whether Matthew likes it or not.